I've never really fit in with anyone or anywhere. Today I'm totally okay with that. However, when I was younger I clung to people and things that seemed to fit and accept me. I refused to let go because it always felt great when I felt chosen.
Years went by with me feeling this way. My adolescent years were crazy plus more crazy with a little crazy on top. The internal struggle I went through, just to accept myself, was beyond tiresome.
We won't go to the dark places today.
Over the last seven or so years I've learned to be okay with who I am. I've learned to make decisions for myself. I've learned that it's okay to be weird (or as I used to say, creatively different). Y'all I was weird before it was cool. All this "in" stuff now used to be territory you did not discuss with others because you'd be labeled crazy real quick.
The more I began to choose me, the more people and things I realized served me no purpose. I've lost a ton. I've lost people who I thought would be there for the rest of my life.
The last two years have been especially hard. I've gone back and forth with who I used to be and who I needed to be. I was trying to hold on to -ships I knew weren't healthy. I was holding in feelings and making myself crazy.
I lost more people.
It's a weird feeling to lose so many people and to initially panic but then realize you still have yourself so it's all good. I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror. I have to be proud of myself. I have to be my biggest cheerleader. I have to have my back at all times. Yeah, it's cool if someone finds their way into my life, but I know that doesn't mean they're staying. I have to be okay with that.
No more, people are here for a reason and a season. That's a given. What we need to learn is how to let go. Let go of others without losing ourselves.
So we have to keep choosing ourselves. It will make others angry. It will make them leave. It will make them give you ultimatums. It will hurt. It will hurt like hell. But we choose ourselves today so that we don't regret it tomorrow.