Chapter Sixteen: Keep Choosing Yourself

I've never really fit in with anyone or anywhere.  Today I'm totally okay with that.  However, when I was younger I clung to people and things that seemed to fit and accept me.  I refused to let go because it always felt great when I felt chosen.

Years went by with me feeling this way.  My adolescent years were crazy plus more crazy with a little crazy on top.  The internal struggle I went through, just to accept myself, was beyond tiresome.

We won't go to the dark places today.

Over the last seven or so years I've learned to be okay with who I am.  I've learned to make decisions for myself.  I've learned that it's okay to be weird (or as I used to say, creatively different).  Y'all I was weird before it was cool.  All this "in" stuff now used to be territory you did not discuss with others because you'd be labeled crazy real quick.

The more I began to choose me, the more people and things I realized served me no purpose.  I've lost a ton.  I've lost people who I thought would be there for the rest of my life.

The last two years have been especially hard.  I've gone back and forth with who I used to be and who I needed to be.  I was trying to hold on to -ships I knew weren't healthy.  I was holding in feelings and making myself crazy.

I lost more people.

It's a weird feeling to lose so many people and to initially panic but then realize you still have yourself so it's all good.  I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror.  I have to be proud of myself.  I have to be my biggest cheerleader.  I have to have my back at all times.  Yeah, it's cool if someone finds their way into my life, but I know that doesn't mean they're staying.  I have to be okay with that.

No more, people are here for a reason and a season.  That's a given.  What we need to learn is how to let go.  Let go of others without losing ourselves.

So we have to keep choosing ourselves.  It will make others angry.  It will make them leave.  It will make them give you ultimatums.  It will hurt.  It will hurt like hell.  But we choose ourselves today so that we don't regret it tomorrow.

Chapter Twelve: Find Your Root

Why do you do the things you do? Why are you the way you are? Learned behaviors play a key role in figuring out the answers to those questions. 

About a week and a half ago two important things happened. The first was my twenty-seventh birthday. The second was my friend graduating from her master’s program. Well two months ago we decided to celebrate them both simultaneously. I wanted to go to Miami, but was open to other locations. A month later nothing solid had been put into place. I had basically given up on going anywhere or doing anything. She started to really look into locations and prices. She chose New Orleans and I was upset. I wanted to go but how could I when this was so last minute?

After some back and forth I agreed and purchased my plan tickets. I still had some reservations because I felt like I wasn’t prepared. And I was still a little angry because people know that I am a planner. 

The day before my birthday I spent time on the lake front. I did some yoga and laid out. I felt so much gratitude. I saw twenty-six as the year of reflection. Twenty-seven had to be the year of manifestation. 

After I left the lake front I went to see my mom at her job. We talked about my plans to go out of town and what I had done that day. I invited her to come do yoga with me. I said we could plan be night before and she said, “You know I plan my life in advance.”

That’s when it dawned on me. I said, “Yes I know. And you’re my root. My friend wakes up and goes places while I wake up and plan to go places months from the day.”

Guise, we gotta live life. 

A learned behavior. I learned that planning is essential, so much so that I was unable to budge without a plan. That day I thought about all the learned behaviors that make me who I am. While I wouldn’t change who I’ve become, not every behavior is good or positive or beneficial. I realized that in order to really tackle an internal problem like this, I had to figure out when it started. Why it started. I had to evaluate how it could be holding me back from achieving greatness. 

We went to New Orleans. While I may not have found my great great great great great great grandmother, I found a feeling of excitement, opportunity, growth, and belonging. The tours we went on. The people we met. The history we learned. Every aspect screamed, “find your root.” 

Who am I? Who will I become? What will I achieve? The answer is limitless. I am limitless. I will be limitless. And I will achieve unimaginable levels of greatness. 

But first, I have to find my root(s).


📷: jywilson

Chapter Three: When It Rains, It Rains Until It Stops

How long?

Every day won’t be perfect. Every week won’t be splendid. So what are we doing to make the most of it?

The last two weeks have been a roller coaster for me. And, sadly, for the most part I’ve let it get the best of me. 

I’ve meditated and had time to myself. I’ve attempted to talk about things and nothing seemed to work. 

But here’s the thing. I thought I was doing things to help work through whatever was going on but I was really just working against nature. 

You can’t have good days without bad ones. And when you have bad ones you need to listen to your body. You need to align yourself. I spent a lot of time these last couple of weeks taking care of others. Making sure they were okay and happy and staying positive. So much so that I forgot about myself. 

We cannot give what we do not have. 

So this week I’m working meditating the right way. Instead of saying, “Oh my word there are so many bad vibes inside me get them out!” I’m going to allow myself to feel and then allow myself to sort my emotions out. And then I will allow those bad vibes to flow easily and freely out. It does no good to spend time with yourself if you don’t know how to take care of and talk to yourself. 

It stops raining when you realize you have control over the storm. And you realize you have control over the storm when you can fully grasp the idea that how we experience things shapes who we are and how we react. 

Learn from the storm. Learn to weather it. Learn to still sow seeds in the midst of it. Learn to still bear good fruit in spite of it. 

You got this!

It stops raining when you realize you’re amazing and have so much power inside of you. And don’t trip if it takes you a while to get yourself together. It’s not a race. 

Chapter Two: A Force To Be Reckoned With

  • What affect have you had on the world?
  • What affect do you want to have?
  • Why are you a force to be reckoned with?

Whoa, don’t think I’m some type of self help, lifestyle guru.  I’m just a simple person doing simple things and trying to get others to see the many beauties of the world… including themselves. 

Lately I’ve been asking myself these questions.  Originally I thought I hadn’t made any type of affect on the world.  But think about the many interactions we have with others.  Those are things that make up our affect on the world.  I think about the work I’ve done through volunteering with kids.  I think about the work I do on a daily basis.  Most of us are out here just trying to be happy with ourselves and situations.  Some of us are out here trying to improve the quality of life for ourselves and others.

I try to keep those things in mind.  So when I’m frustrated or having a bad day, I think about how that will affect the people I will interact with that day.

I want to give light.

A month or so ago I was at work and wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary.  I had, what I deemed, a regular interaction with a customer.  But at the end of the interaction he said, “I like your energy.”

Whoa.

I’ve never had someone say that to me so directly.  Normally people say, “Oh you’re so nice and patient.” or, “You just make things look so easy and it’s easy to talk to you.”  But this direct language made me think, our actions are far more complex than physical.  We interact with so many people-so many energies-every day.  Not all of them are good.  We need to find ways to heighten our awareness so that when our energies interact, they can truly recognize each other with a, “namaste.”

I’m a force to be reckoned with because I’m learning how to make life better for myself and others and actually putting action behind it.  It doesn’t have to be a grand display.  It’s as simple as complimenting someone.  Smiling when they walk by.  Exchanging morning pleasantries.  More often than not, when this happens to me, it feeds the good in me.  It makes me want to pass that good feeling along to the next person who may need it.

I’m a force to be reckoned with because I’m doing something that I would not have done five or ten years ago.  I see how far I’ve come and my future capabilities are limitless.  My affect on the world will be spreading joy and peace and love whenever I can.  My affect on the world will be helping those positive energies to shine bright and fill my fellow earth dwellers with hope and positive vibes to get through their situations.

So what about you?

“It’s Me! Jessica!”

There are many things you should, and will, learn about me.  But do any of those things matter?

I’m a twenty-something year old free thinker who believes that labels should only be used for genetically modified foods.  

The stars hold the secrets of the universe and if you allow yourself to accept and interact with the world on different frequencies, they may just tell you some of them.

The first thing you need to know is that my name is not Jessica.