When things don’t go our way we want to know why. When we are engaged in arguments we want to know why. When someone hurts us we want to know why.
Wanting to know why is cool. I encourage it because it will lead to a full understanding of each problem. I think emphasis should be put on what you did or said, not the other person.
In most situations we don’t try to find out the why, we try to find out who we should blame.
You may think that place of blame is important, if not necessary. Think about this, if you hear a rumor about you and pinpoint it back to the source, how would you handle it?
There would be a lot of “you” statements. “You spread lies about me.” “You knew that wasn’t true.” “You did this on purpose.”
What does that solve? In theory the person upset you, however what really upset you is what they did.
If we focus on the thing, not the person, who upsets us we would be better equipped to solve problems. We may even be more understanding of factors (see responding v. reacting). There is also a chance that we would remain unbiased during the situation.
By detaching the problem from the person you might be able to see different perspectives and come up with some really great solutions or a mutual understanding.
I’m learning this daily. A lot of times we want to bring up someone’s past, especially in relation to us, in order to seek justice on our behalf. I’ve found that by removing the person and dealing solely with the problem, it’s easier to pinpoint where things went wrong. It also allows for a more efficient way of going about it.
I’m not saying it works for everyone and everything. I’m saying, it at least deserves a try. You’d be surprised what you learn about yourself and others.